As part of Mental Health Awareness Month, In Their Own Words shares honest reflections from young people and writers about what mental illness can feel like from the inside.
This story discusses suicidal thoughts and may be difficult for some readers. Please read with care.
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I woke up today but didn’t want to.
The temperature in my room was warm . . . oppressive. The volume in my house was already turned up. With my younger siblings starting their morning routine, there was a clamor of commotion . . . chaos. So much noise. And I was tired. My mind felt exhausted. My body felt fatigued.
But the real reason I didn’t want to wake up was because, to some extent, I never want to wake up. I often hope and pray that I will just disappear. Why? Because I live with mental illness and one of my symptoms is chronic suicidal ideations; I regularly experience suicidal thoughts.
While it’s true that suicidal thoughts are strongest when my mind feels backed into a corner with no escape, that’s not the only time it exists. I don’t much talk about being suicidal or having suicidal thoughts because it’s scary for people.
But I also know the power in sharing experiences to understand what it means to have these struggles. So I’m here to share the impact of suicidal thoughts on daily life.
I’ve lived with suicidal ideations since my early teens. I had this sense of not making it to my next birthday since long before then, but the idea of dying by suicide didn’t happen until later. Nowadays, suicide is an ever-present, whispering reminder of its existence as an option.
The good news is I have found a way to cope. Thanks to treatment and a lot of support, I have found ways to manage these thoughts. But I want others to know that coping with recurring suicidal thoughts is an ongoing challenge I have to work at every single day: to stay, to be present, to be, and to breathe.
My hope with sharing these raw realities will help people see that suicidal thoughts aren’t contained in a single moment. It doesn’t only happen during sad times and it goes well beyond the accusations of selfishness.
It’s important to recognize that my experience is not everyone’s experience. I encourage conversation and listening. In doing this, we can create a better environment for everyone. – written by Kimberly Zapata / Laura Barton
